People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!