People buying plungers never look happy.
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.