People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.


The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…


[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?


Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.


High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.


I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!


4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.