@thatdutchperson

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

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@_brittanyv

Me: I need to go to the doctor. How much will that cost?
My insurance: If it’s a doctor that you seek to see, answer my here riddles three / Go to the wrong one and in debt you’ll be / But which one is right? You won’t hear from me

@RunOldMan

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

@aguycalledEddie

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

@verywhitechedd

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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@Love_bug1016

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

@DeanOkay

Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@mommajessiec

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.