People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
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[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.