People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me