[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?