People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.