people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“and how does that make you feel?”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.