House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs
Had an epiphany today.
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a thatsso of ravens
Has anybody told raccoons about crosswalks?