People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best