People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.