Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich
It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.
Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”