@imdaintyaf

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

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@Laser_Cat

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

@bridger_w

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@charliecapen

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

@xLiserx

Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@JimGaffigan

“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich

@chagger73

It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.

Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”