People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
You Might Also Like
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m giving up ice.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.