30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
In the wild a pumpkin can reach speeds of up to 0mph
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”