@CrockettForReal

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

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@frankzulla

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

@adamhess1

I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers

@mejustbeth

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

@sofarrsogud

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

@krishna_van

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

@electrolemon

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”