I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle
Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.