People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The Struggle
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime