Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
600 dollars is what rich people think poor people think is a lot of money
Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM
Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.
[Lawyer throws up]
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The key ingredients for a successful diet :
Bag of lime
What?…wait. Wrong list.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.
I cashed in my swear jar today…
The guy at the Rolls Royce dealership said he’d never done a transaction in change before.