@KaylaChowShow

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

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@WhatsHerFace33

Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.

@CarpentersCrack

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

@Fickle_Filly

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

@simeygibson

600 dollars is what rich people think poor people think is a lot of money

@ComedicBust

Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM

Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.

[jurors gasp]

[Lawyer throws up]

@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@RunOldMan

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

@fusedude

Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.

@pbear79

I cashed in my swear jar today…

The guy at the Rolls Royce dealership said he’d never done a transaction in change before.