People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
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I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant