@KaylaChowShow

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

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@mrnickharvey

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

@david8hughes

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

@psybermonkey

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@SheaSerrano

i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him

@SufficientCharm

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

@Tups13

Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.

@abbycohenwl

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”