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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*jingles half the way*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Spotted in New Orleans.