People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.

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i wonder what it’s like to be the pizzagate gun guy and discover that your former comrades now believe that you’re a crisis actor


Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.


Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.


GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo


I didn’t post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I’ve already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials


this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route


At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.


[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy


[Drive thru window]

Me: “The guy behind me said he would pay for this…”