People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
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If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.