People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Finally, a door that understands me
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
That’s fair
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Has science gone too far?