@bourgeoisalien

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

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@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

@notacroc

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

@thechrisschmidt

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

@ruinedpicnic

me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that

@T_Bonezzz_

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.