People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.