@inigoomontoya

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

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@TheHyyyype

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

@nimble__nick

CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@TheHyyyype

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

@U_Want_Shum_M8

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

@carlyken

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

@TheTweetOfGod

St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.

@KeetPotato

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

@kimlockhartga

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?