People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

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[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress


CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.


Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news


PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*


My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”


I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.


St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.


me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”


Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?


So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?