People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.