Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
People fear what they don’t understand:
4th grade math word problems
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Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs