@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

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@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@Dawn_M_

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

@pilau

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

@Reverend_Scott

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

@Reverend_Scott

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

@alexlumaga

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs