people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.