[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.