People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
my one true gender
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*