people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog