@sandjoeman

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

@markleggett

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

@rudy_mustang

Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her

@MaryJustice86

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

@GreeGreeHoist

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

@jasonroeder

When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@withanewname

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

@slaughthie

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded