ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?