People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

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🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶


The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.


If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?


me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most


[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?


[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”


This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.


What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?