People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
lol
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
#milo
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*