I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You Might Also Like
Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
Cop: what the hell are you doing
Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir
Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
So this killed me..#maths
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded