People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Hmmmmm
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
get you a girl who
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.