@SamSkoronski

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

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@cynthiajones11

I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.

@aveuaskew

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

@ShortSleeveSuit

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

@graceupongracie

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

@KarateDonuts

Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.

@canadian_jane

If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.

@DannyZuker

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

@SilleVio

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon