I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok
*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.
If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time