“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.