i’ve had a few glasses of wine & this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in my entire life
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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Every time I’m at a friend’s house I look at the ceiling & say “You like to watch, don’t you..” so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam
Every family has that one kid.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.