@AbleLikes

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

You Might Also Like

@nachdermas

i’ve had a few glasses of wine & this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in my entire life

@SortaBad

Every time I’m at a friend’s house I look at the ceiling & say “You like to watch, don’t you..” so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam

@khachapurim

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

@abbycohenwl

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

@themorris23

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

@dshack8

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

@mstluvstrinkets

I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”

@HiddenPinky

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!