A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww