@TheDailySchmuck

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.

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@steveffootball

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

@DaveTheAlbino

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

@thatdutchperson

[first date]

Her: know what you’re getting yet?

Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.

Her: oh, you have a kid at home?

Me: no.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

@cravin4

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

@OakHill_

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

@Charles_HRH

Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.