A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.
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The happiest little bagel
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Her: know what you’re getting yet?
Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.
Her: oh, you have a kid at home?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.