Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Don’t tell me what to do
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long