Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My wife gives the best headache.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*puts cutlery down*
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?