My diet starts in January
of 2027
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
my nickname in college
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.