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@AbbyHasIssues: People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
@FuckabillyRex: I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.
@TheToddWilliams: [boss's office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it's one word: "fireplace"
BOSS: You're fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
@ohthatbadger: Answer every question with "Yes, but is it deep-fried?"
@kentgrossarth: Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we'll decide if that's positive or negative.
@McGrumpenstein: my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before