People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”