People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
just having fun
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.