People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect