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@FredTaming

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

@jtswhipped

You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.

@KattsDogma

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

@ADDiane

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

@Chhapiness

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

@EmberToAsh

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.

@mostly_cheese

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.