People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
You Might Also Like
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Bring back the McRib
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.