People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
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USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
How I’d get arrested…
Beware…..
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.