@Playing_Dad

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

@brennadine

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

@blood_orphan

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

@prufrockluvsong

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

@hurlarious

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

@seanyeatts

Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”