FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?