People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

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[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?


Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.


I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.


Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body


[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.


Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”


Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”


Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”