@Playing_Dad

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

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@nbadag

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

@Busocco

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

@radtoria

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

@EliTerry

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

@_Kim_Jongun

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

@farouq_yahaya

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH