People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
set yourself free xox
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔