People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
crying
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.