People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
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Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.