You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Shortcut
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey