People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.