@Marcmywords2

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

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@Mindless4Miles

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

@TheAlexNevil

*intercom

SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

@VodkaThursday

I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:

@amazymay72x

no, dont go there

dont touch that

no, leave it alone

keep your hands off!

a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)

@kimlockhartga

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

@HatfieldAnne

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

@AmoNickk

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere