People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year


thinking of starting a karate dojo so I can get all my shitty jobs done by random kids


One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for


Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.


i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value


Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)


Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”

Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?


today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit


shall I compare thee to a summer’s day/
its very rude to not respond/
why not/
good luck finding anyone on here with that attitude/


Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories