@longwall26

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

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@isabelzawtun

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

@HereComesCunty

thinking of starting a karate dojo so I can get all my shitty jobs done by random kids

@aparnapkin

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

@ddsmidt

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

@Rlpihl

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@TwatWaffler69

Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”

Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?

@mom_tho

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

@crushingbort

shall I compare thee to a summer’s day/
its very rude to not respond/
why not/
good luck finding anyone on here with that attitude/

@dougbies

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories