People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.