People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
no their not
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”