People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
You are what you delete.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Mice are just frozen Mwater.