People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I thought this was funny lol
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*