Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Right now, somewhere in China, someone is wokking their dog
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3