People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Cardio Made Easy
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.