People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed


That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..


Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.


“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears


My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.


Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3