People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

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*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me


BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.


911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.



I know what I’m getting for Christmas.

Fat. I’m getting fat.


I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”


me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo


DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”


ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.


I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.


People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle