@LoveNLunchmeat

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

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@AndyAsAdjective

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

@momjeansplease

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

@BoogTweets

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

@cynbin_

I know what I’m getting for Christmas.

Fat. I’m getting fat.

@ShawnHatosy

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

@MarfSalvador

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

@TheAndrewNadeau

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

@HehBuddy

I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.

@Philosopherbing

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle