People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
what kind of cook setting is this??
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?