@DanielEdison_

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

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@Reverend_Scott

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

@jazmasta

Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.

@lasergirl70

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

@lukasbattle

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

@AdamOfEarth

12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@BlazedDonuts

Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.