“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.