People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
welp
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.