It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
For the ones in the back.
181.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.